She watches over my diary!
 Get one! |
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2003-07-30 - 4:07 a.m. Well, this month seems to be the month from hell. Suffice to say a lot has happened! Don't really feel like going into everything. Thank goodness I've got a vacation coming up! Here's some poetry I've written that I feel like sharing. Just my way of letting out all the pent-up feelings inside. There once was a fairy-tale princess. She dreamt a great castle in the sky, and All of her hopes and dreams resided in the castle. Things became more difficult as life went on But the princess struggled daily Valiantly never giving up her hopes, Daring to hold on to the special dream. Just when things were getting dark, A ray of hope glinted in the castle window, And the princess became hopeful again. All of the happiness and joy didn't last long. Soon a stormcloud came crashing through, And a mighty hurricane ripped the castle to shreds. Devestated the princess could only weep. To the delicate princess, always a happy person, Depression was a foreign concept, An ugly black mark hanging above her head. She had struggled for so long Tried her best to become a wonderful person. She excelled in everything she did, Always doing her best, never giving up, And never failing to be there for others. Heartbroken at all of her hopes and dreams Being shattered to bits and shards, The princess turned inward to herself, Hiding from the world, Never interacting, Slowly losing any concept of herself, Half-remembering the dreams that once made her happy. What had caused this whirlwind of hate and malice to come through? Why had she let the negativity wreck her dreams? What had she done to deserve this? She had worked so long and fought so hard She couldn't believe all her work had come to naught. The princess realized she couldn't let the evil destroy her. The dreams meant more to her, were who she was. With a deep sigh, the princess knelt down, Slowly gathering the fractured pieces of her heart and soul. Her dreams would come alive again. With a heavy heart but daring to hope, The princess slowly began to rebuild her castle of dreams. Scream Anger, Frustration Stress, Anxiety Building slowly Increasing pressure Temperature rising Climbing temper Issues pushing against A stone wall Reaching a breaking point The dam bursts Release is utterred In a single Scream Pain Pain Seeping Burning Simmering Buried Inside Growing Digging Choking Breath Draws In Painfully Raggedly Slowly Surrender Unwanted Inevitable Eventual Tears Take a deep breath Hold back Breathe--breathe in and out Slowly, slowly Stay strong Can't let go But why? Is it so wrong? Why can't I cry? Breathe Deep Let Go The dam breaks Tears start to fall Release Chameleon You say you're my friend On the outside you seem Nice, sweet, talkative So what changed? Now you ignore me, Criticize me, and condemn me Nothing I do is right Nothing seems to matter I am the same person I have not changed You know how I am And what I'm about Why can't you accept me? Why are you friendly to others But act as if I'm not there? What did I do wrong? Until you truly act like my friend, I'm fine alone. I don't need a chameleon For a friend Why Why is it OK for one But not for others? Why is it legit for some But not for all? Why the double standards? I need your help And you won't give it. But others call And you're right there Why can't I catch a break? Why? Only Me Sleeping Beauty I want to be that princess Have the knight come rescue me After I've slept away All the heartache and pain But I'm not her, can't be I have to be the knight The one to help myself Stay strong, stay virtuous Depend on me to get through The giant rainstorm above my head Just a normal woman A far cry from a princess Escape Pain Pulsing through Heart, body, mind Just a bit It won't hurt A way to escape To flow free Wait Won't work Can't let that happen Must stay strong Dying Dreams I've had a dream All of my life. I always created art For fun and enjoyment. It took longer to realize I had a specific dream, So education came later Than it should have. I gave it my all, Trying always, Never quite reaching The "expectations". Told I was OK, but Needed to work harder; Told that I suck and Should give up my art. Put down when I Was supposed to be taught, My fragile self-esteem plummetted. A breakthrough, finally-- I had talent, but Needed to nurture it. I got the degree but Continually had self-doubt. Private lessons told me I wasn't trying hard enough. Was I really serious? Real-life interfered with The education, the dream. No one understood. The real-world stepped in, Limiting the chase of a dream. Left teacherless, I struggled, Trying to learn without The guidance, the encouragement. Was it worth it? Could I cut it? Never believeing in myself, My dream stayed strong, But the chase slowed down. I'm not good enough. Why even try? Then a ray of hope: A school that really wanted me. Somewhere I could learn and Thrive, gain knowledge. That too came crashing in-- No way to pay...still looking. Will it ever happen? Can I make it without More of a foundation? Peers give art advice: "Hang in there" and "Just try," But THEIR work speaks for itself, Screaming "See how great I am?" When you're like me, You don't have that benefit. Each day I feel my dreams Slipping further and further From my grasp. Can I hang on? Can I really make it? Will I ever be good enough? Am I letting everyone down? I try to keep my dreams Alive in my heart. Someday we'll get there. As hopeless as it seems, Can I really give up? Something I've always wanted, My dreams stick with me. Struggling valiantly and Clinging to bare shreds of self-esteem, I plod on through life, Keeping the dream alive, Nurturing hope that one day, Things will get better. I have to try. Must keep the dream From dying. 
My Diary Rings A-M My Diary Rings N-Z 
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