2004-03-28 - 1:40 a.m.

Hmm, just felt like writing something. School is going better, although its still really challenging. (Uh, sorry in advance for any typos.. Sleepy!) My hubby's bro is visiting, so I'm just trying to adjust to all of the changes its bringing. Suffice to say he's down here to work out his issues, and we're trying to be here for him. It's just hard to add yet another ball to this juggling act I call life. Still debating where my "place" seems to be right now. Hope all of my friends and family reading this know that I do care but things are so crazy right now. I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I'll try to write more later and I'm gonna try to post some of my schoolwork soon. Here's a piece I wrote for my Lit Garden entry.

All my life I've wanted to be an animator. Growing up, my inspiration came from movies like The Last Unicorn and Robin Hood. Disney movies quickly became favorites, and all I wanted to do was draw like the famous animators bringing to life my cherished characters. Drawing brought so much fun and pleasure. Characters just naturally flew from my pencil to the paper. I'd always been interested in the arts, so an animator seemed to be the perfect profession.

I entered art school with my goal in mind, ready to learn all I could. Art classes were fun but challenging. To create an art piece, I delved deep within myself and pulled out a spark, some sort of essence of me to incorporate in the story I was portraying. Creating the pieces was easy. Presenting them to a sea of uncaring faces was a whole different ballgame. It took a lot for me to put myself out there and bare my soul to people I didn't know. I quickly realized how different my goals were from the rest of the art students that I was in classes with. As the classes progressed, the spark was there but it dimmed in the wake of criticism and lack of support. If I wasn't creating art the way I was expected to, I came off as a failure. The worst blow came when I took a beginning painting class. Expecting to be taught how to paint, I was criticized for not having the skills and not knowing what I was doing. Constructive criticism is one thing: if the remarks had come off in that respect, I would have had an easier time getting through things. Destructive criticism can tear people down to nothing, as I quickly found out. My already precarious self-esteem plummeted. That teacher has scarred me so much that in the whole time since that class, I've only picked up a paintbrush a handful of times; the sad part was that I really enjoyed trying to learn how to paint. I'm still recovering from the lingering effects of that situation today.

I graduated from the university and attended an animation seminar that brought renewed passion for art and animation back into my life. Suddenly it became clear that I could actually do this. I felt so much happiness that week, and it felt wonderful to be doing something that I really loved. Through the program, I gained several friends, and I began private animation lessons. I soaked up all the knowledge I could; however, I was working and taking additional classes. These other elements thrown into the mix left a lesser amount of time for focusing on my animation. The potential was there. But the time wasn't. I can't help but feel I let my teacher down and myself down. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot and walked away from the experience a much better person. I just feel that if that had been my only focus things may have gone better. Live and learn, right? All I wanted was to make him and my family proud, to prove I could do it. For various reasons, the lessons had to stop so my teacher could move on. Suddenly I didn't have a direction on what to do or where to go. I knew by that point that my skill level was seriously lacking; it needed to be at a much higher level than what I had achieved.

Time passed, and I realized that the naive little girl had grown up into a confused but dedicated woman. Confused on how to juggle priorities, dedicated into making everything come out perfect and freaking out when it didn't. I struggled with a full-time job and a marriage while trying to dedicate myself into learning and practicing animation as much as possible. Problem was, there was no time for the practicing. I could feel my skills slipping away, powerless to do anything. I was lucky to be able to throw together a portfolio to apply for artist jobs through my work. Several times I applied, and each time my hopes and dreams came crashing down on me. It finally dawned on me that there was another path I was supposed to take; it seemed as if all of the problems associated with the position were a sign that this wasn't my place. Slowly I was descending into a pit, and I wasn't sure if there was ever going to be a wave out of it. I realized that I needed more training, but I didn't know exactly where I get this accomplished. The days became monotonous, and I began to lose hope of ever getting somewhere.

Just when I was second-guessing my profession choice, specific ads for digital animation came to my attention. Now, 3D animation has always played second to 2D animation, at least in my book, but I felt as if this could be a valuable skill in the current marketplace. So after doing my research, I applied to the school and was accepted. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, financing came through, although I'd have to postpone my schooling for 6 months. I was crushed, but I was determined to make the most of everything. When school finally started, I felt that spark creep back in.

I really enjoyed my classes, but I missed drawing things the classic ways. Once again, I started to doubt myself and question my path. Was I even good enough? I was playing in a totally different range than I'd ever done before. Just when I was getting low morale yet again, we had a guest speaker come in for a few days. Just talking to him made me realize that I can't give up. The spark and passion were re-ignited in my life. I have to keep fighting and pushing my way through. In a male-dominated profession, all I could do was fight and keep persevering. I'm still working towards my goal and still have struggles from time to time, but I've come a long way. I'm sure not quitting now.

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